Ok sorry for asking this awkward question..
Im 19 years old turning 20 in a couple months &: I think I’ve repressed some memories of something I think is traumatic.
I remember a lot of things since I was like 3. But my memory is literally blocked for 2 years (ages 6&:7). I was in 1st &: 2nd grade. I remember names of teachers and stuff. But I dont remember events or just playing around, or any type of memory. But i remember everything before those years &: after.
My whole life, even as a child, I have had very strange nightmares about about getting raped by an old man or an old man trying to kill me. I never see his face though. Sometimes he shows up in the form of monster even to this day. I remember as a child I was very lonely by choice and did not feel comfortable with people touching me, especially my inner thighs. (I remember one time I pushed a girl for accidentally touching my inner thigh during soccer practice)
I remember my whole childhood after those years, being very interested in sex. And when I was in 5th grade (10 years old) I wanted to make a porno and leave them at people’s steps. It’s weird, I don’t think it’s normal to think like that at that age.
I’m an artist and someone pointed out that all my work have a child like style.
All of these facts started making sense after I started trying to connect to my subconscious. I have vague memories of being alone with someone (a man) and I remember being uncomfortable and I remember being burnt in my inner thighs. I remember what the penis looks like and his hands and his voice(vaguely). Not his face though. I also remember being forced to watch porn.
Also, I have been self harming since I could remember (bruising, burning, cutting &: scratching). I think it started during that time.
I also remember the very first time I started over eating. I remember I heard someone say that men don’t want to have sex with fat girls. That’s when I developed the opposite of an eating disorder. I ATE everything. I would just keep eating until I became overweight.
By the way, in my inner thighs, right under my (private) there is two big black spots where I think the burn was. It’s like rough skin. &: not to mention im a virgin with no hymen.
My whole life was built around my childhood. I can’t put the peices together. Ive been depressed, angry, bipolar, insomniac, etc. my life just falls downhill the longer I live without knowing the truth.
There was also a time when I was 16 or 17, my bf kept pressuring me to have sex with him. So one day when he was really drunk, I told him I would. I took off my clothes and right when we were about to do it, I told him I couldnt bc wasnt ready. He got so angry he forced me to give me head &: tried to rape me, but I ran away.
I thought I really did have the intention of having sex with him, but I’m starting to believe that I subconsciously knew what I was doing, just so I can feel like I had the power to say No to sex… but I guess not.
After &: during that incident with my bf, I kept having this strong feeling that this has happened before. Not de ja vu, but like that I was in the same situation years ago. That’s when I started remembering the man’s voice, hands, penis, my burn marks and watching porn.
I have emotionally disconnected from the world. Sometimes I feel like I cant feel anything at all, that’s why I still self harm.
I have a habit of not liking anyone my age, just older men. Not too old. just like 40’s/50’s.
I dont know.. what do you think? Do you think I was molested or possibly raped as a child?
How can I remember everything.. how can I recover?
I have a lot of mental issues… but I can’t fix myself unless I know who it was or if it even happened.
&: I apologize again for the disturbing question.
Yeah you repressed some issues you experienced. Im sure you may have but sis you ever talk to your parents about this? Not asking you know who did this but who was around you that time….do you have a relationship with your grandfather?
You have to start meditating, you can go back to those memories and times in dreams. Meditation over time will clear up many of your illness’, and give you the tools to work on them, and everything in your life. try these
Thought Monitoring for mental discipline
1) Concentrate only on your breathing: breathing slow deep, controlled breaths.
2) Every time your mind strays randomly bring yourself back to your breath.
3) Everytime you begin to think about all the things you cannot change: you take a deep breath and let it go.
4) Practice this as much and as often as you can.
Practice makes you better!
SunEye Technique (for astral projection)
1) Go to bed as normal,
2) Set your clock to wake up early maybe 5 am or 6 am.
3) Wake up nd read about astral projection/ludicity
(no over exerting or heavy physical activity the idea is to wake the mind but allow the body to stay tired)
4) Lay back down, some believe to lay on the right if male left if female, but honestly all these rules are pointless, this is about you and your are unique do what feels best for you, sit up right in a lotus posture, or lay back eyes closed.
5) Lay back down and concentrate on your breath breathing slow and deep.
6) This will, hopefully on the first try, put you out of your body.
If you get the surges do not move…you are not physical anymore so doing so is pointless lol. hint hint ":Paralysis": 🙂
In your mediations have you ever heard of ":Mental hands":, well you need to learn how to move mentally. Imagine to move, imagine how it would feel.
Imagine yourself floating or rolling out of your position.
If you cant see imagine you can, which was a big issue for me for a while. Imagine theres light.
Rarely people are awake for the exit, sounds like you will be, its awesome once you realize theres nothing to fear.
Good Luck and Have fun.
Please make an appointment with a licensed mental health professional.
For general information and resources pertaining to assault, here is a site (though *not* in place of professional counseling): http://www.rainn.org/ Here is their toll-free 24-hour helpline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).