My wife posted the above question online after we resolved the issue the night before (this question reopened the argument). Although her answers seem a little broad, they are tainted because she left out some really important details and I wanted to include them to see if the answers would change.
I’m the husband. I’m fighting an unemployment claim and I think I’m going to lose so I’m under a lot of stress caused by the fact that I might have to pay back all the unemployment that I just received ($3,000ish). At the same time, my wife and I have have had a terrible relationship: even before I was laid off, she fought with me because I’m a sex addict and she HATES sex (we have it once every month). Because of us constantly fighting over sex, she thinks I’m going to cheat on her with every creature I encounter and has treated me with low trust/respect because of her neglect in bed. She knows that all my friends growing up were girls, but to make her happy (not jealous) I had to stop talking with all of them to have a happy home.
Her friend was my friend before she was my wife’s but I turned my friendship to her husband instead. She’s a tomboy (totally not my type, I like the prissy feminine plastic type and my wife knows that). She’s had male friends her whole life but because of her husband is a bit of a jerk, all her male friends were scared away. Her friend’s marriage is dwindling in love, her husband (my buddy) is acting very aggressive towards her and is making her life miserable. Her and her husband have an open relationship (f’ed up if you ask me): they can have sexual relations with anyone that’s not in a relationship already (so it excludes me, and my wife knows that). Since I’m friends with her husband, I was planning on planting seeds with her husband to make her friend’s life better. I have also been fighting with her friend about polygamous relationships and telling her that since she feels like he doesn’t love her it could be because he could be getting the love from someone else.
Her friend, as I told my wife before I chose to stay up with her, was a neutral party that we needed help from each other to solve each other’s problems. After talking about our problems, we played games of Scrabble on the computer while drinking alcohol (it was needed to calm my nerves). My neck was sore/pinching after playing for 5 hours and she gave me a 2 minute rub since she was a masseuse. I told her that it was a nice gesture and I would have to pay her back tomorrow to be fair.
My wife was upset because her friend was over to spend time with her and because of her working and not me (I can’t find work, I’ve been trying – I’m NOT a dead beat) she couldn’t stay up and entertain her friend. I took advantage of the TIME that she was surrendering by staying up late with her friend so I could have her help sort out my problems and make me forget about my unemployment issue.
It was a set of innocent nights, of two friends, that have marital issues but wanted to solve them. Nothing less, nothing more. My wife knew this. So after knowing ALL the details, does my wife have a jealousy problem and she’s making an innocent massage between two friends more than it was or is this inappropriate and I was trying to cheat on her because my wife and I NEVER have sex?
I am a Christian so you will get this from a Christian’s perspective.
Your predicament in no way, shape, or form justifies you massaging (or receiving a massage) from a female friend… regardless of your friendship prior to your marriage. Obviously your wife isn’t THAT worried about you cheating on her with every ":creature": you encounter or she would have never gone to bed, leaving your two to your own devices. In fact, she trusts you a heck of a lot more than I would.
It is vital in a marriage to have a healthy sex life. In fact, the Bible even tells wives not to keep themselves (sexually) from their husbands. So neither of you are totally innocent… and I hope she reads this as well. You say you’re a sex addict and she is not… so you are on total opposite ends of the spectrum. This isnt cause for concern as every couple will have their differences. But marriage is about compromise. She needs to provide you with sex as a wife should… but you need to tone it down, too. Meet in the middle. Also, I can tell you that as a woman, nothing turns me off more than a man who doesnt treat me right. Be a realist… are you neglecting her in areas that would cause her to be sexually unavailable? Are you inconsiderate, stubborn, callous, insensitive, a liar? I dont know you so I cant say. But fix your own problems before you expect your wife to jump your bones.
And back to the friend of yours. Out of respect to your wife, that woman (or any other for that matter) should not be with you alone… whether YOU know you would cheat or not. You can see by this situation why this should be avoided. It stirs up unnecessary strife and contention. Your wife if your support system and back bone… not something to toy around with by massaging another woman’s back. Hang out with them only as a couple… there is no need for one-on-one interaction.
I didn’t answer the first question, but if I had I would have told your wife that she has contributed significantly to the situation. If she has trust issues with you, why is she having a female friend spend the night regularly? Why is she going to bed when you and the friend are still up? Overall, a simple massage with no evidence of anything more going on is not enough to get too worked up about. Under normal circumstances it isn’t really appropriate for married men and women to exchange massages without the spouses knowing what is going on, but absent evidence of more going on than a neck rub, it isn’t huge deal either. It is the kind of thing that, after finding out, she simply says ":I think that is kind of inappropriate for you two to be doing when I’m not around": and that should take care of it. Once your wife expresses that she doesn’t approve, then you don’t do it anymore.
Now, as far as all the other stuff in your marriage….get counseling or just end it. You are miserable, she’s not happy….do something to try to fix it or get out. Floating along like this will just build more resentment.
How did she find out about the back rub? If you told her, then no harm no foul. You all have the type of relationship which accounts for opposite sex friends. If your wife knows that the lady is both your friends then that act is not too over the top. I wouldn’t appreciate it if my lady was getting a massage from a guy friend personally, but thats why I don’t deal with women who need a healthy stable of male friends. When I see friends, I become a friend.
She’s probably trippin on the massage because she knows that she hasn’t been doing the wife thing up to par and when people aren’t doing a good job, they tend to more paranoid than they should. Afterall why wouldn’t you be attracted to another person who is willing to back you up in a fu**ed up time like being out of work? That is her job.
I still don’t agree with the ":massage": or whatever you want to call it. No other woman should be touching you in that manner, regardless of your relationship status. How would YOU like it if your wife was up with your male friend getting rubbed all over while you were asleep? Come on, dude….common sense here. Your wife has every right to be upset. You’re a sex addict? I wouldn’t want to be married to you. Period. When you’re married to someone, it should be about making love and that deep, emotional connection that comes with it. You two obviously aren’t good for each other. Your wife needs someone to love her and to help her rebuild that trust in men. You spouting off ":I’m a sex addict": and ":my wife and I NEVER have sex": to the world just shows me how much effort you are putting into this relationship. Rather than try to help her get over this vice that she has, you’re off getting a rub down by another chick. If you can explain to me how that makes sense, then maybe I’ll change my mind. But, until then, my opinion stands as your wife deserves better. All financial situations aside and all other ":friend": situations aside, you married your WIFE, not her friends or your friends. You should be 100% totally devoted to her.
UPDATE: You are not devoted to her. Do all the chores you want, let her gossip on facebook all she wants….the point of this whole question was whether or not she should be pissed at you for letting another female rub you while she was asleep and the answer is YES. Seriously, you two just need to break it off now before you start screwing her friend in the bed right next to your wife. You care about your needs and I think you’re hung up on her issues more than she is. I would never trust any guy who is a self-proclaimed ":sex addict":. Please.
Ok first things first your wife like many women wasn’t been honest with you from the start – she used her sexual allure to attract a guy into her web YOU – then once you put a Ring on it all these hidden issues start coming forth and landing on you.
At the very least I believe she needs some counseling, because she may in fact have issues with all men! And dosen’t’tвЂ™t trust a single one us due to her childhood daddy issues.
Your wife in all honesty is making you continually you pay for her past and for some reason doesnвЂ™t see this as wrong вЂ“ probably due to the fact that youвЂ™re a card carrying member of the man club, I would make sure that she understands that change is coming one way or another, I would sit her down and have The Talk!
Tell her you love her but you are no longer going to put up with her daddy issues. She is to seek counseling because you are no longer going to be part of her Sexual Inquisition itвЂ™s DONE!
Your a man and you have needs if she doesn’t like that then she shouldn’t have married you to begin with its that simple.
Also get yourself a job any job will do at this point, then keep searching. As for the unemployment thing get yourself a court appointed counsel and fight it if they are wrong or if you are at fault accept responsibility and work to move forward.
OP – not a problem I posted on both you and your wife’s questions. Plus I understand where you are coming from and went through something similar then put my foot down! We went to counseling together because I am a supportive husband and everything is much better.
No man should suffer anothers transgression but so many of us put up with this foolishness to the point of women thinking it’s ok…? You either be the man and lead the relationship or you get treated like a boy your choice!
Okay….two sides to every story and its good to see the other side present their case as well. It certainly helps in making a clear and concise decision when all the information is made available.
Let’s set aside the ‘only friends’ bit for the moment though. I grant you that this may in fact be true however you’ve placed yourself in a position that makes you look anything but innocent. Think about it…should the tables be turned and it was your wife and her husband instead what thoughts would you formulate based upon what you witnessed or were told?
Not really the wisest of choices you could have made given your own precarious marital status pal. I remind you that the old saying ‘where there is smoke there is fire’ could easily be applied here.
So…your choices are this…..be miserable in your presence existence…if you can call it that….and live a life that is sexless, void of affection and volatile or make plans to end the present relationship. Start looking into cultivating a hopefully better relationship with the other woman, who appears to be in similar straits and learn to adjust your likes from plastic to tomboy.
But keeping things as they are by doing seemingly innocent things….at least to you and maybe her……but not so in the eyes of others can only lead to disaster.
i understand the problem a bit more, and honestly i don’t trust guys at all.. but now seeing both sides of the story, i don’t see a problem with it anymore.
i can see lies from a mile away, and when someone is trying to cover something up and so on and so forth, and i do not see that in your story.
it makes sence, its solid, so she could be jealous.. being jealous really isn’t a problem she’s just afraid that you could do what her father did to her mother.
i have fears that my fiance will cheat on me again, or act like his father once we are married and cheat with another girl and have it go on for years and years..
she may be digging into the massage a bit more because she doesn’t understand your feelings, she might think that you might like her a little, or something could have started from the massage. or that maybe you liked it a little more than you should have, since my mind runs like what your asking for… always digging into things more than i should, i can probably nail it right on at least someway of how she’s thinking lol
the never having sex thing, i don’t know what to tell you there. buti think thats all i can tell you, i hope it worked.. you can email me again if you’d like. i can try to help a little more with other things.
doesnt change my answer to your wife either….
there shouldnt be another woman sleeping over your house.
there shouldnt be any ‘touching’ whatsoever between you and any female ‘friends’, no matter how it’s labelled, especially the ‘massaging’ part.
you’ve overstepped the boundries of your marriage. also, you’re a hypocrite. you criticize another couple’s ‘open relationship,’ but you’re ok with another man’s wife massaging you and vice versa in the middle of the night after a few drinks while your wife is asleep… hmmm……
yeah… there’s a reason why you ‘hired’ your wife’s female friend as your masseusse before you got your wife’s approval…….like you couldnt wait until your wife woke up to ask her what she thinks about it? hmmmm……… it was one of those ’emergency massages’ that needed immediate attention, right? hmmmmmm………
do you just have really bad judgement and no sense of reality? or are you trying desperately to try to pull one over your wife’s eyes?
if you’re in that terrible a relationship, then either work it out or divorce. dont go around being shady.
So your wife hates sex and your a Addict.. was this a big surprise at the beginning??Theremust have be a discussion on how to Deal with this?? Its about trust and it should not be broken.. If you can not work through things then you should not be together.. Me and my wife do not always agree but we talk things through. If I dont not agrre with her on something she know that she can still trust that I will not go behind her back and do something!!
Even knowing all of the details, I would still be angry with my husband and this woman would not be my friend. I am not trying to stick up for your wife – it is awful that you two are in a sexless marriage.
However, there never should have been any touching. Never. No ":innocent": back rubs with a woman who is not even monogamous in her marriage. No. You should have gone to be at midnight (which is a decent hour) and the friend should have left.