Could a man be in serious trouble for IM’ing with a teenage girl? How would you react if she was your daughter?

*Please note I’m not the guy, so please don’t yell at me*

For a few months I had been IM’ing with guy from Australia I actually met on this site after I answered one of his questions and he sent me an email. At first I’d assumed he was my age (16 at the time) because of the questions he asked and the way he wrote, but I later found out that he is 30. I was hesitant to keep writing to him after finding that out, but he seemed to be harmless, and I ran an email he sent me through WhoIs to verify that he lived in Australia and therefore wasn’t right down the block waiting to kidnap me. We IM’d a lot because I’m an insomniac and with the time difference he was up when all my friends were asleep, and we shared personal things with one another, but it wasn’t romantic / sexual. He later met one of my friends from real life who uses Y!A as well and began to IM with her all the time too. So while I was on this trip she told him all these bad things I was doing like drinking (which is legal in the country I was in, and I never got drunk) and having my boyfriend come to see me without my parents knowing, and he convinced her to give him my dad’s email address. He sent an email to my dad and to a teacher from my school, and I’m still not entirely sure how he got that, telling them about my behavior and all these other things that were personal and had been told to him in confidence. He actually wrote in the email that he expected them to keep it confidential and to not tell me about it because I would then no longer trust him, but of course, they were not going to show loyalty to some random man from the internet, so they both called me up while I still overseas and demanded to know who he was and why he knew so much about me. My teacher also informed my headmaster of the situation, and it was an intensely stressful and humiliating ordeal because I am someone who is at the top of my class, on student council and a peer mentor, and they all now think I was being exploited by a pedophile and used horrifically poor judgment. Now they see me as some naive little girl, and it sucks. They are concerned he hacked into the school system somehow because the teacher’s email address wasn’t listed on the public site. It was a massive mess I’m still cleaning up.

They asked me a lot of questions about him – like his age, name, what he did and where he worked – and I answered all of them honestly. I am very hurt that this guy and my friend both betrayed me and wreaked so much havoc in my life unnecessarily, but when I told the headmaster the truth about who he is it wasn’t for revenge. I just thought lying would make everything much worse. So now the guy is totally freaking out that my parents or the school are going to call his work or school (he’s a grad student) and he could get fired, especially since he sent a lot of the IM messages to me from work and so they’d be on his computer. Like I said, I’m angry at him and will probably never speak to him again, but I don’t want his life destroyed over the whole situation. Do you really think he could get fired or in serious trouble? I just want all of this to end. My parents are really upset about the whole thing and it’s just enough drama already. How can I make them all just chill out and stop freaking out so much? Would you really want to track the guy down and like get him fired or something? We were never going to meet up or anything, and we never webcammed.

This is totally inappropriate behavior and it may be nice at the moment but any sensible parent would be justified to be very concerned. It’s not what you didn’t do it’s the possibilities which are scary. Although you have not done anything wrong it is unhealthy to form this kind of relationship because at some point it will change and it’s the possibilities of these changes which are concerning.
His behavior is not a million miles away from &quot:grooming&quot: which leads to abuse.
If he cannot relate to adults his own age group that is his problem. He is obviously adult enough to realize that his continued contact with you is wrong. His behavior is totally unacceptable and inappropriate and you are still considered &quot:vulnerable&quot:.

You can not know his real intentions and I doubt that he has even admitted them to himself.
Stop all contact with this person and stop being concerned about him. You have, for so bright a person, made a bad lapse of judgment. No wonder your parents are upset.
The only way to &quot:calm things down&quot: is to change all your contact details and refuse any and all contact with him now and in the future.

The emails he sent to your parents is a way of controling your behavior and &quot:keeping you safe for him&quot:…for what purpose?? Keeping this going is very dangerous. I really wouldn’t worry about him, worry about yourself.

If he wasn’t being sexual or inappropriate, there’s probably nothing illegal about exchanging messages with you. At the same time, he certainly could get in trouble because it could &quot:look&quot: inappropriate to the outside observer. It’s pretty easy to get fired or otherwise be in trouble, especially whenever someone mentions the awful word &quot:pedophile&quot: (really not saying he was one here, but people jump to conclusions easily because they are scared). So yes he could get fired, potentially, but probably didn’t break the law.

I’m sorry you’re going through so much. I would just keep being completely honest with everybody and do your best to emphasize that this was a casual online social friendship with no potential to become anything else whatsoever. In fact, I’m sure he wrote your parents and teacher because he was concerned about you and your behavior and wanted to do the &quot:right thing&quot: and help somehow. Obviously that made things a lot worse, but it shows he was trying to be a good person and help you. Try to find out where he got the teacher’s email from, because I bet he didn’t hack into the school and it was probably on the website or he got it from your friend. That will at least deal with one of your problems. Good luck!

Well let your dad and your parents decide what’s the best course of action. Don’t worry too much about him. This is his mess that he got himself in.

I guess the lesson you might take from this is to be more cautious with who you IM with in future. What I mean is this guy you are talking about. If you haven’t met him in person then best to just ignore him and forget about him. You can only trust those that you know and those that you have met in person.

Not speaking to him again wont help the situation. The real thing to do is NEVER SPEAK to any guy over the age of 16 on the internet. Why would you even bother?? Don’t you have anything better to do?

Oh and to be perfectly honest the fact that your parents know that you IM late at night and have insomnia etc. is a GOOD THING.

I’m sorry if they see you as a naive little kid. But let be real here. You’re only 17, and I dont think your parents or school expect too much more from you. You have already dazzled them with your talent and academic achievement. So its just condescending and naive on your part to assume that they wouldn’t regard you as a young adult who still has much to learn about her social world.

Why dont you post the emails for EVERYONE TO READ and let them judge for themselves. Otherwise yeah… I will probably just assume that this guy is some sicko pedophile with a sick sense of humor who just wants to cause trouble for you.

I guess the moral of the story is not to use Y!A too much!

Good luck

From what you said, it doesn’t sound like he did anything illegal so tracking him down wouldn’t do any good.

My concern would be with you and your friend. You don’t know if he was a pedophile or not and he could very well be one, but you did show poor judgment in communicating with him. I would be talking the parents of your friends about her giving out information like that and lying. She has issues that the parents need to deal with. For me personally, making up things to make me look bad is not a character trait I want in my friends to have.

Wow, that was all one sentence! Let me get this straight, the guy you don’t want is the one in Alabama right? The one you met on vacation? He is telling you how much he loves you? And you’ve known him, what, a week or two?? C’mon! Please grow up a bit and realize the difference between what a guy tells you and what is the reality! Oh, and if you truly loved the first guy you wouldn’t be confused right now. It’d be a no-brainer.

It seems like you kind of learned your lesson about giving out your email to strangers, which I advise you not to do. And another lesson to what kind of friend you have and maybe you should drop that one that gave out your personal information and your dad’s email that could have gotten dangerous if that guy turns out to be a weirdo it still could. How can you trust her again after she did that, I would just try to move on and find new friends that are loyal to you and stay away from internet men or boys posing to men you never know who is on the other keyboard. Be Careful.

If he found out all that stuff about you from your friend, you need to tell you parents and your headmaster that she is giving out personal information about you. If he was a pedophile, bad things could happen because of that. She is being irresponsible.

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