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Former abusive and absent father now wanting to see children?


I was married for 11 years to an abusive husband who abused me on countless occasions in front of his children who are 10 and 8 and are traumatized from it. We were divorced in March and he married days later to a woman who he had an affair with during the last 2 years of our marriage. I tried as hard as I could to get him to be my friend during the divorce. He refused. I begged him to contact his children by phone during the time they spent in daycare to avoid confrontation with me. He’s on this new religious kick now saying he’s become saved and he follows God’s will. This is his new change within the last couple of months. In April, we relocated 200 miles from where we were and are just now becoming stable. He was absent during the divorce, refused to contact his children and blamed that on me. He just recently contacted me via text wanting to see them. He has threatened to take me to court for violation of a court order if I don’t let him see them. I’ve asked the kids how they feel and they’re terrified of him. I had to make them call him yesterday and they both told him they don’t want to see him. He has refused to grant me any kind of documentation on his whereabouts, chain of command info or a personal phone number. My only contact with him is the work cell he’s had for the last 4 years. I searched the address he texted me and it shows a house still up for sale on the market. I’ve reminded him of the abuse and have told him the kids are traumatized and they are foregoing counseling now and I asked him to sit in with them during their sessions so they can have some kind of relationship with him and he refuses to do so. He refuses to admit that he was abusive even though there are reports of domestic violence towards me and police reports from my 10 year old son who witnessed it. At one point he was served with a no contact order because of it. My children and I endured this divorce in it’s entirety alone and with no support or cooperation from him. Now he claims to be happily married, has found God and wants a chance to be a father. He also refuses to apologize to me for the things he did and still puts blame on me for him hitting me. He still claims I was the one that triggered his anger and he’s trying to be a better person. His mother took off with him and his brothers when they were my kids ages and refused to let his father see them and he’s telling me I’m repeating that cycle and when the kids figure it out, they’ll hate me for it. I really need opinions on what I should do. I’ve tried talking to him about it today and he’s still set on letting the past be the past and giving him a chance to see and be a father to his kids. I don’t want them to be hurt again. He’s shown no interest in his kids until now and won’t go to counseling. My daughter has been sick the last 2 days since she’s talked to him, my son refuses to talk to him. They both tell me they don’t want to go with him and his new wife they’ve never met. He lied about the affair and I only found out about it recently. He’s taken off with my kids before while I was at work and I came home to a note saying I’ve got the kids, I’ll be in touch and his family helped him hide them. I had to get a lawyer and threaten his family with kidnapping if they didn’t bring them back. I don’t know what to do.

I would say you need to do this(which is what i’m currently doing for the same reasons and more) Get a FEMALE attorney and file for soul custody and try and get him to terminate his rights. He hasn’t been &quot:saved&quot: that long and there is a big chance it wont last(like with my husband) I’m sure he has been and still is in violation of the court order with your divorce decree. it will be his &quot:burden of proof&quot: to prove you are lying and he isn’t if he does go to court. I don’t think he will take you to court it sounds like empty threats to me on his part.(part of the being &quot:SAVED&quot: process he is struggling to go through. He needs to be reminded in order to be forgiven for his sins he needs to admit to them first, then apologize and not do it again, to take kids away from their mom and make them go where they dont feel safe for good reason is only making them be victims again, no real father/parent would do that. and to not help in anyway with regards to their councling says with a doubt he has not changed and is only fooling himself/wife/church.. He has no leg to stand on legally so dont worry about it, but get an attorney and get this loser out of your lifes it his lost not your familys he deserves nothing but your kids deserve peace and with him around they cant have that!! GOOD LUCK

Get a restraining order against him.

Your kids don’t want to see him so they courts would understand.

If he found God, then why does he still blame you for the abuse? He should ask for forgiveness…this man is full of ****, and a hypocrite.

Ask the courts for no visitation rights for the father b/c of the abuse, and only child support.

He is only playing mind games with you so don’t fall for his nonsense about &quot:repeating the cycle&quot:.

Remember this well, NEVER BEG A MAN FOR NOTHING. You are better then that, you are strong, strong for leaving this man and strong for seeking help for you kids.

I wouldn’t have no contact with such person, even though he is the father of my kids.

You really need to bring this to the court system, he abused you in front of your kids and now he wants to see them? It’s sound strange, make sure they don’t let him see them, since he has tendencies to kidnap them, also tell the court this so they can really be tight with him.

This seems to be a very difficult situation for you. I disagree with your attempt to contact him after the divorce: what purpose was there for you two to become &quot:friends&quot: after both an affair AND abuse? What was necessary was time, and as you say in time your ex-husband has &quot:changed&quot: or such. The point is this person has had past offenses in both adultery and abuse, your children don’t want to see him anymore and are both traumatized, and you seem to have taken quite a bit of negative emotional impact. My suggestion to you and your family is to find shelter within a community, whether it be family and friends, church or some other group of individuals who can provide the necessary amount of care and protection. You have to remember that he had an obligation to the children and he didn’t meet it and people don’t change that quickly.

I also suggest trying to reach out to people in similar situations: indeed, to be blunt, &quot:misery loves company&quot: and in this case finding people who will have felt your pain will help you tremendously.

Good luck!

wow i can relate… My kids biological father is not in there life much… I face many problems as well… Fortunately i don’t have to deal with the drug issue …It seems the kids always want to be around the parent that does not enforce as many rules or standards…. It is very scary to let them go off because you do not know how bad off they are going to be when they return….I know all about the &quot:half brother&quot: situation as well… I got a restraining order against him….You might look into that… That way the your child wont be around at least that part….. Send a cell phone with him/her if you can that way you can call anytime to check up…Drive by if you can without being seen…Make sure if he is not there at the time of pick-up that is stated on the legal papers then he don’t get the kid…Unfortunately the law can only OR will only help if the child gets hurt first…. I wish you the best of luck….Most of the parents that are supposed to pay don’t, so I think that is pretty standard….Just like they don’t keep health insurance….

You need to change your cell phone number(S). Get another order against him. Also contact your divorce attorney on advise to get his rights taken away because of his abusive recorded history and I’m sure with a psychiatrists letters on how this has affected the children-maybe that would help.

He’s no christian if he can’t own up to his own behavior and he is not doing that blaming someone else for triggering his anger.

The worse case senerio is it’s time to move again

I would ignore his calls and texts. If the kids are saying they do n ot want to see him then they shouldn’t be forced to. If he was a man of God then the first thing he should do is apologize to you and acknowledge the pain he has caused you. If he can’t acknowledge it then he will never change. You are doing the right thing by allowing your kids to go to counseling. if he threatened to take you to court let him. He has to sue you in the county in which you live and he will be inconvenienced not you. When you go to court you can have the children’s therapist prepare a statement saying why it is not in the best interest of the children to be around the dad. You as a parent have the right and responsibility to protect your children.

It’s called a protective order, and it’s obvious that you need to get one for the safety of your children. If he’s taken off with the kids before, he’ll likely do it again and he’ll be better about it than he was in the past. Do you have full custody of your children? If you do, relocate and change your phone number. He doesn’t deserve these children, and any judge is going to see it that way.

If a person has truly found &quot:God&quot: then he would be sorrowful the actions he has committed against you and your children. He would also be ashamed of his past and the circumstances of who he is married to now which he obviously isn’t. This is about control and he is trying to do that to you as best he can by bullying you with legal babble. People like this piss me off because they are the scum of the Earth. Do what you can to protect your children from him. It’s sad that his family is aiding in his behavior it just shows how dangerous they can be. Contact your lawyer and find out all your rights.

Firstly, change your phone number.
Secondly, consider moving away. I know it’s unfair on you, because you are the one suffering, but it would be a effective way of getting him out of your life.

The courts will not do anything, he can be shown to be abusive. It can be shown that the children are terrified of him.

He’s unrepentant about his actions and he sounds like a born again whack-job. He does not sound like a good father at all.

If you are unwilling to move, go to the courts and get a restraining order.

Change your phone numbers and move again. Leave your job if you have to so you can disappear. No one needs your phone number or address unless you trust them completely. Move to Hawaii if you have to.
Personally I would have someone beat the $hit out of him and break his legs…but that’s just me.

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