Sorry if this appears twice but Y/A appears to be having problems today.
Have you ever seen someone who is (or appears to be) married, and it is obvious they make no effort whatsoever to make themselves attractive for their spouse?
My husband and I were walking into a store last night and walking out was a family (or it looked to be) with 3 kids. The mother was about 350 lbs, her hair was basically a 1-inch high afro, her shirt was too tight and her belly was sticking out the bottom, and she had bits of hair growing on her face in places it shouldn’t be. My husband said – and honestly it was not meant to be funny or even insulting – that she might be the most unattractive person he’s ever seen, and I have to agree she’s a top contender.
We’ve all seen people like this. This isn’t a slag against overweight people – there were many things she can easily do to improve herself even without losing the weight. I’m talking about people who clearly don’t give a damn, and I wonder how their spouse sees it.
I’m sure many will not actually read it carefully or understand my question and think I have something against unattractive people. But I am really asking – how happy can the spouses be of people who obviously make no effort whatsoever? I can only guess this man must think his wife just doesn’t care what he thinks… but I suppose maybe he really doesn’t care himself.
I prepare for the wave of hate email….
You are absolutely correct.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The piousness of some responders to this question is reprehensible. This woman, whomever she was, CHOSE (as a mature human being) to look like an ungroomed animal whilst in society. This was HER CHOICE.
Now, because she has the equal and unquestionable authority to make HER CHOICE, the choice to look as if she lives on swarms of krill, the why are so many responders afraid to allow her the CONSEQUENCES of her choice?
In other words, is it not morally correct to denigrate those who make poor or immoral choices, in the hopes that they and others around them make better ones?
If you dress like a carnival field hand, you will be accorded that level of respect. If you feel this is not enough, then work hard, make sacrifices, and present yourself in a more respectable fashion.
And this is not limited to clothing. I’ve seen men in Armani suits who I wouldn’t give a mop job. I’ve seen men in Carharts who stood with dignity, pride, and courage. But in all situations, these individuals CHOSE how to present themselves, allowing for the judgments that resulted.
Can we, in good conscious, deny them our judgment? How else are they to know what is morally correct, astetically pleasing, or culturally acceptable?
Would your disposition improve if you shared an elevator with a man wearing a Swastika? How about a priest’s collar? How about a man who stank so unbearably, that you prayed the elevator would move faster?
Do you think this stinky man does not deserve your contempt?
Or are these posters generally afraid of the criticism leveled against them for their inappropriate actions?
If so, then their piousness is not motivated by ":fairness": or ":equality": or ":goodwill":…..
….it’s motivated by fear.
And I submit to you that any action motivated purely by fear cannot be trusted and is not a moral action.
We live under the judgment of others: to judge and be judged.
When I see a young boy with seven tattoos and a dozen piercings in his face…..
….I don’t take secret delight in despairing him….
….but neither will I add to his impression that such an appearance is acceptable in our society. This young boy is going to find that many doors close upon him for his choices.
Those of you who say ":Judge Not!":, condemn this boy to isolation, poverty, and duplicity.
Those us who say ":Clean up your act, you freak!":, have shown this boy what the world truly thinks of him. He might resent it in the short term. There is no doubt his feelings will be hurt.
But in such fires are strong alloys made.
This woman, wearing a mumu and resembling an Orca…..
…she doesn’t need your pity. Pity is a useless emotion.
She needs our contempt. Then perhaps, with a broken heart, she’ll be able to look herself in the mirror and say ":That does it! I’m going to lose this weight, buy some clothes, grow some hair, and clean up my act: both for myself, and my family.":
And when she has, she’ll have EARNED the RESPECT she’s been craving.
You have not walked in these people’s shoes. You don’t know why they are the way they are. Depression plays a big part in the way someone presents themselves, like you said they probably don’t care.
Even if a person smiles and pretend to be having pleasant conversation, know one knows the pain they are going through.
Yes, some women and men, let themselves literally go after marriage and kids. It’s sad to watch but I wouldn’t be rushing into judging anybody for that matter. Some people battle financial problems and depression and simply don’t have the possibility to do better.
To be honest, I agree with you. I mean, we all have flaws. Sometimes you’re overweight, you’re short, you have skin problems, or something like that. We ALL have some flaws, and sometimes there is nothing we can do about it, no matter how much we try. But then, of course, there are the things we CAN try to fix. A hairy face on a woman? Wax, for crying out loud! Hair issues? Get your hair done! When it comes to weight problems, some people have a hard time losing weight, but I really have to wonder… how did they get that way in the first place? Sometimes it’s due to specific health or hormonal issues, but that’s clearly not always the case. I don’t know about you, but if I put on a few pounds, I would notice. I’d try do something about it, or at the very least not let it get worse. Of course pregnancy is often blamed, but I really don’t buy that. They should at least be TRYING. And if it’s not working, then they need to see a doctor to find out why.
For me it wouldn’t be so much about pleasing my husband (although I definitely want to look nice for him), but before I even think about that, I would be thinking about how unhappy with myself I would be! All I can say is that the people that let themselves go like that and don’t care about themselves at all are probably struggling with some serious psychological issues and depression. If I were a spouse of someone like that, I’d urge them to get help for their mental health and physical health. And, yeah, they say you should love someone no matter what they look like, but that’s no excuse to let yourself look like a yeti when you could do simple things to look and feel better about yourself.
Yeah, I’ve seen that
No hate mail needed, that is a very good question. I have asked myself the same question and added how did they even become pregnant in the first place, I have never been that drunk to find that attractive. But like you, I see those people in all walks of life, and I guess that just reinforces the comment, that there is someone for everyone. Just make me shudder.
I don’t believe that you have to dress to the 9’s, as I dress in whatever I feel like wearing, AS LONG AS IT IS APPROPRIATE AND COVERS UP WHAT NEEDS, OR SHOULD BE COVERED!!!!! Having your fat belly sticking out, facial hair out-of-control, and I have seen people out like that with stained and nasty clothes, is a bit much. Have at least some self respect, get waxed, and wear clean, properly fitted clothing, something that covers rolls.
People that let themselves go that much, married or not, usually live in extreme poverty, not to say they don’t comb their hair because they can’t afford a comb, but more due to years of poverty and just being totally beat down by life, or they have mental disorders. That is not something a normal person does.
There are plenty of women that are not as extreme but that don’t take showers, don’t do their hair or make up, may or may not get dressed every day – again, I say something is wrong w/ the person such as depression or being in a really bad marriage.
I think most people stop trying to look nice for their spouses when the spouses stop noticing, or at least stop commenting. Especially when there are kids to take care of, who wants to spend time on themselves when nobody notices the effort anyway?
I bet if he told her every day how beautiful she was, she’d start trying to do more with herself. We’re all like mirrors, what you give is what you get.
You have posed an interesting question: I have seen this type thing myself and have wondered why people let themselves slide so far? It just isn’t healthy to pack around so much weight: all humans have the same size heart and it can only work so hard.
Luckily I’m naturally pretty and weight doesn’t stick to me as it seems to do with others. I don’t have to do alot with myself to look good. Thank god, because between taking care of my kids and husband doesn’t always leave a whole hec of alot of time for myself. Sometimes I don’t even brush my hair in the morning I just throw it up in a ponytail. However, every once in a while I want to look absolutely sexy and do put on makeup and a nice little sundress. Most of the time I just want to be comfortable. My husband always tells me I’m beautiful, even when I don’t try to look sexy.