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Long term relationship advice – call it a day or carry on?


Ok here goes. I’m in a 12 year relationship with someone I really love. We have a lot of love for each other and we have been through our fair share of crap like any other relationship I suppose. But one things that has always got me down is my partner is always on at me about how my family don’t like her (esp. my brother) and she has said some really cutting things that hurt me deep (but she apologises), we get over it and carry on.

She is young, beautiful and devoted, intelligent but shallow for example, a real example my brothers wife died and my partner was around every day pitching in to help my family looking after my brothers young child and being brilliant – like 110% gold. And then she starts to get paranoid – people are talking about her behind her back, or they are making sly remarks – I can’t see what’s going on because, am I too close to my family but she goes mad swearing bad at my bro with my whole family in the house making me feel really bad.

What would you do?

To begin with, she should respect your brother. I dont understand why she would swear at your brother in front of everyone in your house and then she complains about your family not liking her? I mean, if my sis-in-law starts swearing at me, I would most definitely not like her! She should try to be a bit less paranoid and more confident in herself. That type of paranoia that she has makes me believe that she has low self esteem. Try making her feel secure about herself. If that doesnt work, why dont you put yourself in her position..what if she IS right? What if your family does not like her and you are too blind to see it. Try talking to your family and see what they think of her..i mean, in the end communication is the way to a healthy relationship and you guys need to have that specially being in a 12 year relationship. ALWAYS REMEMBER, RESPECT BEFORE ANYTHING!!! Good luck, and hope you guys stay together for a long time, because in these days it is very hard to see a relationship last for so long. Try to make things work! 🙂

It sounds like she may have some deep insecurities that compete with her desire to do the right thing. I have been in a similar experience and might suggest seeing a therapist. It can be such a healthy, enjoyable thing for even the most balanced person aside from producing real results with the right person.

It is clear that you have great respect for her and after 12 years, I can only imagine that you have developed a truly rewarding comfort and trust with eachother. It seems a waste to &quot:call it a day&quot: unless it is it simply unfulfilling. Otherwise, this seems like another challenge that you two can get through together to be stronger and closer after.

I suggest telling her calmly and honestly the way you feel– the example of her behavior after your brother’s wife died is a good one to use. It shows part of why you love her and also a problem that she herself would probably like to fix but doesn’t know how (her paranoia and negativity.) Then ask her how she would feel to talk with a therapist about it and ask if she’d be willing to at least try.

If her answer is yes, then the next challenge is to find a counselor that she &quot:clicks&quot: with. It is unproductive to work with someone you don’t like and don’t feel comfortable speaking honestly with. But when it is an objective, private, person that you can trust– it can change your life for the better.

Tell her exactly how your feeling (you really love her but you’re exhausted by the harsh comments– however true they might be) and that its important to you that she make this change for the better, for the both of you. Perhaps you can even offer to go with her.

It sounds like she is not worth giving up on. Best wishes.

From what I have read, I think she is offering help with good intentions but is not getting full return of thanks from your family. We all need praise and to feel we are not being taken for granted. Perhaps the family would like to get along alone, but are not sure if they would offend her by saying so. You need to get to grips with your family by having a family conference, find out and listen to what they think and feel (and she should not be shouting in your family home she does not have the right to do that) and then have a sit down conversation in a public place where your girlfriend can’t scream and shout but can walk away if she wants. If she does, you have your answer, because if she won’t talk this through then what’s the point as the next problem that arises will bring on the same situation all over again. I hope this helps, I am nearly 60years old and have had a wide experience of life. Good luck, God Bless

It sounds like, for whatever reason, she has an insecurity problem as regards your family – whether she is right or not only you know. But it sounds like you think that apart from this she is a good person and I think it would be a shame to throw away a 12 year relationship over these problems. they do, however, need to be resolved somehow. Have the two of you ever sat down and had a long in-depth discussion about why she feels like that? Could it be that members of your family have said things to/about her that you don’t know about? This insecurity has to have come from somewhere, but if there is no way that it is founded then would she perhaps agree to some counselling to get to the bottom of the issue- perhaps you could go together? Would it work to sit down with your family and let her ‘have it out’ in a civilised manner? Good luck.

This is tough. Well, it seems that after 12 years she would snap out of it. She should be over the paranoid phase. And even if someone said something to her, or about her, at the time of your daughter-in-law’s death, she shouldn’t have let that bother her. It’s not about her, but she even made this tragedy (seemingly) another reason to try and distant herself from your family, that she’s known all this time.

Um, is it me or does it seem selfish for someone to ‘feel paranoid’ about something they are doing to help? If she was secure with herself, she wouldn’t have let this bother her. She wouldn’t have put this in your lap to deal with it (as it seems that you’ve been doing all this time) and tell your family that they are being mean to her. I have a friend who’s going thru the same thing…he married her…he’s miserable. Why? Because she’s made her life, and his, all about her.

And besides, after 12yrs, she should be able to speak her mind. She needs to stop depending on you and should have had the guts to ask the person to their face if they said what she thought or not, and then move on. How sad that you have to deal w/ being the mediator between her and your family. The fact that she began yelling/swearing, that’s a shame. Especially at that time of all of your lives when your brother’s wife was dying, how sad. That’s a shame.

What also worries me is that you talk of her physical appearance. I would like to know devoted how? And devoted to what? You? She should have tried to control herself at that period of time, and not have made you feel like she did.
I would seriously think this over. I know you have 12yrs into it, but think about it, would you want her driving all of your family away? Yes, she was wonderful, but not the entire time. She made it about her, and that’s a bit much.

It’s up to you what you want, but I would suggest that you would take the time to decide if you are going to live that this or not. Me…I would have to think long and hard about it.
But I’m curious, do you live together? Are you in a committed relationship? You didn’t mention that you were married. It would be interesting to get more info from you.

Good Luck.

I agree with the others, it sounds like to me that you are NOT SHOWING enough support towards your long term girlfriend.

Can I ask why after 12 years together you have not gotten married?
Do you think that Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Dude you will not know what you lost until it is gone, one mans trash is another man’s treasure..

Have you ever stopped to think that maybe her complaints are accurate?

Nothing you said shows that this woman is shallow, a shallow person is only into them self, a shallow person most certainly would not have done what your long term girlfriend did for your brother.. did you ever thank her for what she has done?
The only one I see who is acting shallow here is you, PERIOD……………………………….

If you intend on marrying this girl eventually you need to cut the apron strings and put this woman first above anyone else and that includes your family..

Your question is: What Would You Do?

Well for starters groveling would be a start, thanking your long term girlfriend for putting up with your selfish behavior for 12 years and not giving you an ultimatum a long time ago.

This situation is rather sad and unfortunate because you appear to have a good wife and a loving connection between you both, but once this assumption that in-laws don,t like her gets into her head, major complications start happening. no matter what you do or say, will convince her otherwise and from my experience, she will go looking and even engineer reasons, to confirm her suspicion. It,s a horrible situation because it becomes prophetic, in that because of her actions, her in-laws will indeed become antagonised. As you have probably guessed, it stems from insecurities on her part and an irrational fear that she does not fit in. I have seen this situation at first hand and seen the devastating effects it can wreck on families, both immediate and extended. In my situation, it has caused great division,led to family feuds and cold wars in various quarters. Like an atomic explosion, it tends to fuel itself and mushroom to gather victims as it expands along with family expansion. If this is not nipped in the bud now and she,s made to see and understand this particular neurosis of hers, it would have devastating consequences long-term and would become a lifetime battle, . If there are no children in your marriage now, I, personally, would walk away before its too late.

Hi,maybe when she said people were talking behind her back you should have asked her who and what was said instead of sticking up for your family,OK it was a bad time for your brother but bless her she was doing her part to help him and his child.Maybe your brother said something nasty to her and i don`t blame her for having a go back as she obviously gets no backing from you.I think you are damned lucky to have her .She may well be right and your family do say bad things about her ,probably because she is pretty,young and intelligent,and they are jealous.Yes it hurts to hear someone say things we don`t like about our family,but you seem to think she should just accept it and keep quiet.If she was as shallow as you say then hunni she sure would not have helped out in the way she did,get real, you say you love her but you got a funny way of showing it.if she told you to take a hike ,i for one would not blame her.You need to look at your own actions before picking holes in someone that sounds a really caring person.

I would think that maybe she has a mild hormone imbalance, I used to get really paranoid when my period was due – I used to think I was being followed and that strangers were talking about me. Its hard to know if she is feeling the same thing but maybe look at her other behaviour – does she get a bit ‘jumpy’ or irrational?
I know it sounds a bit ‘hippyish’ but I would suggest that you look at both of your diets (we are what we eat) and perhaps suggest that you could both do with a new look at food and its benefits. The reason I say this is because my situation improved when I started having a better diet – I became much clearer headed, my mood swings improved almost immediately when I started to eat less sugary foods and started more green veg (I drink a salad every morning for breakfast now – and I’m so much better, don’t get nearly so grumpy or weird!).
She feels your love and so is secure with you, but your family maybe make her a bit more edgy, perhaps she may be slightly jealous of your relationship with your brother and needs you to forgive her in order to show her that you love her despite saying bad things about him? Who knows?
But I really would try the diet thing – big step – but she sounds worth it and hopefully she’ll feel loved that you want to make that sort of commitment
PS maybe start with a supplement of omega 3 (a good one! and oil of evening primrose 1000mg)

she’s either very insecure or she’s got some mental health problems. suggest counselling for the both of you. maybe you’ll find out things you didn’t know. ask your family to be patient while you get it sorted. try to see them without her being there &amp: tell them you’re trying to find out the problem, but it might be a while. don’t be embarrassed by her behaviour – it is her behaviour, not yours! maybe she was jealous of the extra attention your brother was getting. it sounds petty, but there could be an underlying reason. suggest she sees her gp as well. no one should be expected to live like this: it isn’t a war with her on one side &amp: your family on the other. i’d certainly try any &amp: every avenue to try to get to the bottom of her behaviour. good luck, hun. diane.

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