OK so me and my husband have been married since September of 09 so like 6months id say. We got married young and now am starting to realize why everyone would tell me to wait. Obviously i didn’t but there is nothing i can do about it now. like all other husbands well most of them he changed….? Or did i just finally see the real side of him? idk… Hes sometimes really mean to me hes never abused me or anything but just like hurts my feelings and it literally HURTS my heart like i can actually feel the pain.. like for example one time when we first got married i was a virgin so it hurt-ed and i kind of didn’t want to do it and he said well why else did we get married for??!! then of-course later apologized… for Christmas he only wanted to buy his family presents and not mine not even just for my 2 little nieces!! so i convinced him not to buy me anything and the 100.00 he would spend on my gift i could buy my family of 9 including my nieces and brother in laws so you can imagine how cheap they were!! For my birthday he wanted to leave me to go with his friends!! we are newly weds we should be happy and more in love then ever!! he broke my cell phone accidentally but never bought me a new one till like 5months later and is always complaining about it. before we got married my sister sold me her Honda civic 2000 for 500 dollars but it was during the wedding so i didn’t have the money my mother offered to pay 250 and my husband offered to pay 250 so now he thinks he owns the dam thing and is always driving like a maniac with no liscence!!! and it terrify s me.. hes always throwing it in my face saying its his too because he payed for it……. and he comes inside doesn’t even help with one dish throws his clothes everywhere all the time! idk what to do?? can some one please give me advice i cant talk to anyone because the truth is no one knows how he is i don’t tell my family not even my mom because Shel tell everyone and idk am just scared…. how do i make him realize what he has? even if its not about me like when people crash hel make a rude comment like … well that’s what they get for being dumb-asses and now paying attention like seriously he has no feelings! when i cry hell tell me what your gonna start crying again? or when i do cry he has told me shut up stop f*ckin crying already!! how do i make him see what hes doing.? we’ve had a lot of talks and he says he is sorry but never means it
wow! I married young too but our relationship is not anything like that. He sounds almost abusive! If my husband said ":well why else did we get married for": I would have slapped him. if my husband only wanted to presents for his family and not mine, I would tell him to screw off. But I dont think its realistic to buy presents for either of your family, you should just focus on eachother, and maybe your parents and siblings if you’ve got the money. but you should treat each side equally. we dont have the money to buy all of our families presents, so what we do is buy presents for whichever side comes to visit us for Christmas. If they are going to be staying at our house, they get presents. (we live many hours away but even if we didnt we still wouldnt buy everyone presents) Another thing- my extended family also doesnt have the money to buy everyone presents, so if we are spending time with extended family over Christmas, they do a secret santa where everyone gets ONE present for ONE person, the name they drew out of a hat.
I cant believe he wanted to leave you to hang out with his friends on your birthday! What a crappy guy. on my birthday, we dont have money for fancy gifts but instead he went for a drive and found wildflowers and picked them for me, and bought me a candy bar and a book, or sometimes he will take me out to eat at my favorite restaurant even though he doesnt like the food.
If your husband doesnt have a license, (ok first of all why’d you marry a bum with no license) don’t let him drive your car! Can you get a part time job and pay him the money back so you can take control of your car again? You shouldn’t have to, but maybe thats the only way. he shouldnt claim stuff that HE paid for, because HIS paycheck is supposed to be EQUALLY YOURS. Anything he supposedly pays for should automatically also be yours.
I dont have a job at all, but we share all of his paycheck. in fact if anything, I make more if the monetary decisions. I sold my car when we got married and now we share the one he paid for, it is ours equally. He has a license and he is a careful driver.
my husband also throws his clothes on the floor, and he will never do any chores, until I ask him to do them. He grumbles about it but the point is he still helps. We work together to clean the house, once it gets really messy. He has a job and I dont (besides taking care of our baby when he’s gone), but he doesnt force me to do anything. He even takes care of the baby for me when he gets home because he knows how much I need him to.
The other night I was complaining about how my restless leg syndrome was keeping me awake and it was 3 in the morning. he works nights. He drove half an hour to come home on his lunch break just to give me a foot massage and help me get the baby back to sleep.
Im just trying to show you the difference between a happy marriage and a not so happy one, because I know it can be hard to tell what’s ":normal": and what’s bad when you dont have anything to compare to. But I assure you that you are being mistreated, he needs a wake up call. Perhaps you can show him your desperation by letting him read this question you posted. But what I really think you guys need is not only to
-go to a good life giving church like an evangelical one or a non-denominational one like ":church of God":, but most importantly,
– to start marriage counseling together. He needs someone to set him straight and let him see the error in his ways. and Im sure you aren’t perfect either (because none of us are) and they can help teach you how to be more assertive and get your needs met and communicate with him correctly when he isnt being fair.
-Also read the book ":men are from mars, women are from venus": by john gray.
-Another book that would be good for you to read is ":boundaries in marriage": by cloud and townsend.
you guys have a lot of work to do ahead of you, but with enough work, you can make this a happy marriage. It’s a life long promise you made before God never to leave him unless he’s beating you or cheating on you. I believe ALL problems can be solved and worked through. It just takes commitment from both sides.
you shouldn’t divorce him, but you can still leave him. you can leave someone without divorcing them. sometimes living alone and better than staying with them. If it comes down to it and he isnt willing to go to counseling with you, just pack your bags. usually that wakes them up enough to try to change. but if you arent serious about leaving, he won’t buy it.
our marriage has had its rocky points too, but we still worked through him. Like his mom used to call all the time and treat him like her boyfriend instead of like her married son, she didn’t want me to have him. it drove me insane. or he used to look at porn behind my back, and thats when I had to threaten to leave him. It really shook him up. No matter who we are with we will have problems and its a myth that we can ":marry the wrong person":
First, if you really want a divorce, just tell him, but make damn sure thats what you want. I would suggest that you wait until the lease expires if this is your only concern, or have another place to live if you have to. How long did you know this person before you married? How old are you? If you took the time to know him then his current attitude is probably not much different than when you met him. It is dumb to think that anyone will change their baseline character. If you thought he would change, well, you’re wrong. There is this thing called a ":paddle":. This device is utilized to impart a type of physical discipline on a child who, in the opinion of a parent, is acting inappropriately. Obtain a paddle and use it with discretion. Those who think light physical punishment is a no-no probably have the same problems with their kids. Those that think paddling is assault should have their heads examined. Alternately, you can act on threats. If you tell Little Johnny that he will lose a toy if he doesn’t act right, you must DO IT. Threats only work until the child realizes that there is no substance to them. Yes, spitting in your face is assault.
The good news is that most people eventually grow up.
The bad news is you very well might hate the person you are married to once you do.
You didn’t mention a baby, so why aren’t you working?
Why is he buying gifts on your behalf?
Why can’t you afford a mere $250 for a car?
How on Earth did you convince yourself to get married but think I don’t want to have sex with him?
How do you suppose /he/ felt when his wife said I don’t want to have sex because I’m a virgin?
His response could have been more tactful but that is grounds for annulment.
He sounds like a typical 20yo douche but he’s your douche now.
The ":good ones": aren’t taken – they’re made. Good luck.
Get on birth-control, get a job, and ask for change.
I think it’s going to be hard to change him, and my view is that he thinks you are being ":overly emotional": and perhaps ":needy": about things. On top of it, he is very immature and seemingly not really ready for an adult relationship.
Men and women fundamentally think differnent because of both environmental development and genetic brain chemistry. I think you are going to need to adjust your thinking and preconceptions about the relationship of marriage. Happiness and closeness comes with time, patienence, children, growing in good times and bad – a piece of paper from the state doesn’t automatically grant you all of these things. The first years of marriage are probably the most tenuious.
He’s got the development of a ":tough guy": who ":doesn’t show weakness":, and who feels the need to ":man up":, surpress his emotions etc. etc. which is quite frankly inferior to your more balanced view. You will need to find a way to bend or correct that, with time, or perhaps hope that it happens on it’s own or one day you/he may be looking outside of the marriage for fulfillment. Also, you might actually be ":too": concerned with things, ease up a bit, try being more direct opposed to ":you should know how I feel": about things. Try not to dig up the past and throw it in his face all the time. These are kind of like ways to sabotage a relationship indirectly..
You guys can CERTAINLY get over this stuff, though marriages under 21 years of age have something like a 20% survival rate and it inceases for the better greatly as age goes up. It seems (for now), you guys are fighting about money, one of the most common arguments in a marriage.
Honestly, I hope the best for you, I’ve seen this happen time and time again with people, I hope you find what is best for you. Good luck.
Sounds like to me that your husband is being very selfish not to mention immature about allot of things. When you get married at a young age it’s difficult to foresee the future events when at first there was no warning sign. Sometimes you have to make changes in order to rekindle that love that is drifting away or else lose it all together.
Immature, selfish, financially unprepared for marriage and likely to run up a nice debt when he has an accident in the car and is forced to pay the damages to the other vehicle since insurance won’t cover an unlicensed driver. Neither of you were ready to marry and it sounds like you married the wrong person to boot! My best advice is to seek an attorney and dissolve the marriage before things go from bad to worse.
Trust me, I married too young and have been where you are. I lost 10 years to it and am still paying off marital debts that he ran up. He won’t change, he is who he is.
And for God’s sake, don’t get pregnant!
Well, it can be that he’s adjusting slowly to marriage life, or maybe he is taking the marriage for granted (bad).. as you pointed out when he said ":why else did we get married.": If he doesn’t appreciate being married to you and having you for a wife, then how will things get better? Was he always like this (neglecting you (bday/christmas) or was just now that you two got married? You might need to evaluate you marriage.
email me if you need someone to talk to.
Obviously both of you have un-realistic expectations from the other. You both think the marriage is about pleasing yourself only. If the two of you don’t see a counselor, you will also be part of the divorce statistics.
when you marry someone, you marry them for who they are, not who you want them to be.
You need to talk to a professional (by yourself) to decide what you should do.
If you decide you want to try to work things out, then you should both go to marriage counseling.
I’m thinking you rushed into things and your husband is a jerk. If it were me, I’d bail and get the heck out.
Don’t get pregnant. It’s a lot harder to leave with kids.
I hate to say ":I told you so": but…..I told you so. Yet you insisted that marriage was the route you were taking and to hell with advice to the contrary.
So…I have nothing more to offer as far as advice goes. I’d only suggest that you learn to live with it. After all….it WAS your decision to begin with. Unless of course you’re a quitter.